- The Way to Social Harmony
- Venerable Pyinnyathiha
DOMESTIC RESPONSIBILITIES
There are obligations for everybody to
fulfill according to their station in life. If they are not delinquent, there will be no
danger because of neglected responsibilities, otherwise unpleasant situations such as
negligence, resentment, assault, offence, conflict are inevitable among people. To
increase loving-kindness, sympathetic mood, compassion and harmony among people, that is,
to be able to live happily, the Buddha laid down social obligations for everybody.
The Buddha appeared in India and his
teachings have lasted for 2,532 years or so. Some might say, "There have been a lot
of changes during that long period, and customs are practised in a variety of ways in
different regions. Because of that some of the Buddha's teachings are out of date, and
impossible to follow."
The Buddha never intended to restrict
people, and never said that one had to follow the rules without trial. He encouraged
people to make inquiry into all teachings including his saying in the Kalama sutta, "Do
not believe anything which is based on hearsay, tradition, rumour, what is in any
scriptures, any speculation, axiom, plausible argument, bias towards a notion that has
been pondered over, famous person's speech, one's respect for a teacher. But when you
yourselves know, 'These things are bad, blameworthy, censured by the wise; these things
lead to harm and sorrow' abandon them. When you yourselves know, 'These things lead to
benefit and happiness' undertake and observe them." He did not lay down the rules
without seeing any advantages. So, removing doubt, the reader should try to fulfil the
following social responsibilities to know how far he can make sacrifices for his nearest
and dearest. (A. i. 189)
The
duties of parents
The Buddha described the duties of parents
to their children as follows; they must restrain their children from evil; encourage
them to do good; give them good education or skill for a profession; arrange a suitable
marriage and must hand over their inheritance to them at a proper time.
Parents are the first and foremost real
teachers of sons and daughters. Before they can set themselves on their feet, children
live with parents and first learn everything from them and then they get education from
their teachers. In childhood, their knowledge is not mature. Their mind is liable to waver
between good and bad, and mostly they tend towards bad habits. Their mind is like clay or
wax, which is malleable to make portrait figures. It depends on the skill of the sculptor
to produce good and beautiful images. Likewise, the primary training of children depends
largely on wise parents. At this stage wise parents should take every possible care to
give suitable moral lessons and general knowledge to their children. Parents should not
fail to look after children so that they do not fall into bad habits and keep them aloof
from the company of bad ones because their progress is affected by their environment too.
The children who are brought up well behave
very well and get a good education and can move in good society. That is why parents
should be anxious for their children to receive a good training. Even though some good
parents are poor they give their children a good education, sacrificing themselves. Some
parents work illegal business to earn enough money to keep their family but they nurture
their children without having their children involved in their business. Some parents, who
are less than human, are not like that. They use their children in illegal business. Some
abuse and maltreat their own children instead of looking after them with parental love.
Even though the children have to undergo their assault when they are young, the more their
age and knowledge mature the more they are rancorous against their parents. When they are
beside themselves with anger they take revenge on them for their cruelties. Because of
that, parents must avoid cruelty and misleading children.
Parents might think good deeds come
automatically by forbidding doing evil but they should know that their children tend to
hesitate to do good. For example, some children are not bad inherently but they are
reluctant to study very well. In that case, parents should persuade them to be interested
in their education. Trying to know their physical and mental weakness, parents should be
of all possible help to them.
If parents let them live according to their
own free will without admonishment because of parental love and kindness, they are not
assumed to be good parents. There is an English proverb; "Spare the rod, spoil the
child." On top of that the children might become their foe automatically. When they
cannot legally earn enough money because of lack of knowledge, they might keep company
with evil people and go after illegal money or they might waste or steal parents' money
and property. In this way, trouble caused by children will not end there. To avoid this
unpleasant situation parents should not shirk from their responsibilities towards their
children.
To enrich their better feelings parents
should not forget to give them religious knowledge because all religion directly or
indirectly polishes men's conduct, character, behaviour, morality and so on. It is not
easy for young people to absorb religion. It depends on parents to interest their children
in it in their youth. Parents should be clever in giving them their religious heritage as
well as themselves studying religions, and should choose an appropriate religion, and
practise it respectfully. Otherwise, they cannot expect to be able to explain to their
children what the religion is, why they should practise it, what benefit they can get from
religion, etc., and then following their example, the children may be reluctant to
practise any religion. As to this, the following story is a very good example.
In the lifetime of the Buddha, there was a
treasurer endowed with faith, named Anathapindika. His son, Kala, never showed any desire
to visit the Buddha or to hear the teachings. Even though his father asked him to do
religious practice he paid no attention to what his father said. His father thought,
"If my son adopts such an attitude as this and acts accordingly, hell or lower world
will be his end. Now there is no living being who may not be influenced by gifts; I will
therefore persuade him with gifts." So, he said to his son, "Dear son, go to the
monastery, take upon yourself the obligations of taking precepts on the Fast-day, listen
to the Dhamma, and then return. If you do so, I will give you a hundred pieces of
money."
Kala agreed and went to the monastery. But
not caring to listen to the teaching, he lay down to sleep in a pleasant place and
returned home early in the morning. His father was very pleased and asked his servants to
serve him with special food. Kala refused to eat until he got money because he was afraid
his father would break his promise. Only when he got the money, he ate the food.
On the following day the father sent him
forth, saying to him, "Dear son, I will give you a thousand pieces of money if you
visit the Buddha, learn a single verse and then return to me." Accordingly Kala went
to the monastery and took his seat before the Buddha. But no sooner had he mastered a
single verse than he desired to run away. The Buddha therefore caused him to misunderstand
the true meaning of the verse. Kala, failing to understand the verse, said to himself,
"I will master the following verse." He therefore remained and continued to
listen. Finally he was established in the first stage of insight knowledge.
On the following day he accompanied the
congregation of bhikkhus presided over by the Buddha to his father's house. When
his father saw him, he said to himself, "Today the demeanor of my son pleases
me", and straightaway the following thought occurred to the son, "I hope my
father will not give me the money today in the presence of the Buddha. I hope he will
conceal the fact that it was for the sake of money that I took upon myself the obligations
of observing precepts." The father presented rice-porridge to the congregation of bhikkhus
presided over by the Buddha, and presented the same to his son. Kala sat down in
silence, ate the porridge and the food.
When the Buddha finished his meal, Kala's
father placed the purse containing a thousand pieces of money before his son and said,
"Dear son, you will remember that I persuaded you to take upon yourself the
obligations of learning a stanza by promising to give you a thousand pieces of money, here
is your money." He was greatly embarrassed and said, "I care not for the
money" and he refused to touch the money. The father asked the Buddha about the
strange demeanor of his son. The Buddha said, "Your son attained that which surpasses
the attainment of a Universal Monarch so he does not want to get your money." Even
though the father knew the condition of his son, he wanted to get a confirmation from the
Buddha. (DhA. v 178)
There is no need to put pressure on children
to practise religion. By discussing religion with them or having them read books on
religion to them in leisure time, parents can interest them in religion.
If children are weak in their education,
parents are obliged to arrange something for them to gain an honest livelihood by giving
capital or training for a job. When they are skilled in doing some kind of job, they can
survive anywhere at any time. Money and property might be lost by fire, flood, corrupt
government, thieves, enemies, one's own foolish children or one's own mismanagement. The
best way is for them to gain good education or training for a job.
Parents mostly arranged their children's
marriage formerly and children willingly accepted their arrangement. Nowadays the custom
is gradually fading away. Children might think that the custom is out of date; the best
way is for them to choose their own spouse themselves; there is no parents' role in
choosing their spouse.
In reality, parents have had much experience
in married life. Because of that, they want to choose a suitable spouse for their children
so that the children can avoid matrimonial troubles, and they want to give them
matrimonial advice.
In the lifetime of the Buddha, there was a
famous woman named Visakha who attained the first stage of path knowledge. After she got
married her father told her how to behave in her husband's house as follows; "Dear
daughter, if you see any fault in your father-in-law or mother-in-law or your husband, say
nothing about it to other people. If other people speak ill of your family, you must not
tell them what you have heard. Give only to those who return borrowed articles. Do not
give to those who do not return borrowed articles. Give to poor relatives, servants who
are sick even though they cannot repay you. You should stand and not remain sitting when
you see your father- in-law or mother-in-law or your husband. You should not eat before
they have eaten. You should serve them first before you eat. You should not go to bed
before them. You should first perform the major and minor duties which you owe them before
you go to bed. You should respect your husband's parents as you would a flame - useful if
tended properly but dangerous if neglected, and you should look upon your husband as a
divinity." (DhA. v 53)
Some married people might think it is not
incumbent upon them to look after father-in-law and mother-in-law because they do not stay
in the same house any longer with them after getting married. However, whether or not they
live with them, if they defer and do not forget their duty to them, loving-kindness will
permeate the family, and they can live happily together. Parents will also reciprocate by
helping their children, including daughter-in-law or son-in-law, as far as they possibly
can. When married people have to live with parents, even if they cannot follow the above
mentioned duties, if they respect them or if they do not harbour jealousy against each
other, there will be no tension in the family. If not, resentment and confrontation will
increase.
The
duties of children
Children must support parents in return
when they have income; must look after parents' affairs on their behalf; must keep the
tradition of the family; must behave towards parents to be worthy of their inheritance and
they must give alms for departed parents and must share merit with them.
Good parents' love is boundless and they
treat their children with very tender care and give the best education for their good and
future welfare. They merit children's gratitude, respect, obedience and care especially in
their old age. As soon as they know an embryo is conceived the wife and husband happily
and tenderly care for it. The expectant mother has to forgo hard work or some pleasures in
order to give birth to a healthy child. Her husband also has to try to get more money in
order to bring his child up or sacrifice some of his indulgences to save money for his
child.
After their child is born, their happiness
is beyond description, and the baby is nursed with tender care, and the urine and stool
are cleared without the least complaint or disgust, and then they are always anxious to
provide the best of health, education, wealth and so on for their child, and they nurture
their child to the best of their ability. Parents always regard their son and daughter,
whatever their age, as babies and they tend to admonish them. They never complain about
going to the aid of their children when their children are in financial, social or legal
difficulties. They are ready to protect and care for their beloved ones at the risk of
their own lives, their property and health. The kindness and love of parents are so much
and so great that parents cannot be repaid in full.
In the lifetime of the Buddha, there was a
king in India who was given the name 'Ajatasattu' which means 'enemy of his father before
he was born' because when he was conceived his mother had a strong desire to drink his
father's blood. So, his father pierced his right arm with his royal knife and took blood
out and gave it to his wife. Royal fortune-tellers said "The child will murder his
father." When his mother heard about it, she wanted to have an abortion but her
husband did not allow her to do so even though he realised the danger to his life.
When Ajatasattu grew up, he associated with
Devadatta, an evil - minded bhikkhu. Taking Devadatta's advice, he tried to kill
his father even though he came to the throne in accordance with his father's wish. He
ordered his men to imprison and starve his father to death. And then he ordered his men to
cut the sole of his father's feet and to put salt in the wounds and to roast the feet on a
fire. Finally, his father passed away. Al the same time, his wife gave birth. When the
king heard the news, happiness and affection permeated his whole body, and his father
immediately came into his mind. He thought that his father would also have had the same
feeling of joy. He ordered his men to set his father free at once. But, he was horrified
by the news of his father's death. There was no help for it. He asked his mother if his
father loved him. His mother replied "You should know how your father loved you in
view of the following incidents; even though he was aware of the danger to his life from
you, he never allowed you to be murdered. And then when you were young, you had a whitlow.
One day you could not sleep very well because of the pain and you cried bitterly. So, your
father cuddled you and put your finger in his mouth to warm it to get you off to sleep.
You got over it and fell asleep. While you were sleeping, your whitlow burst in his mouth.
But, instead of spitting out the pus, your father swallowed it because he was afraid you
might wake up."
When Ajatasattu heard his mother's reply, he
was in anguish over the loss of his father and he repented of what he had done. From that
time, he could not get to sleep because he always had nightmares.( DA Samannaphala Sutta)
Children might not realise their parents'
generosity when they are young. But, when they become parents themselves, they should know
how worthy parents are of gratitude. Foolishly, some young people might think that they
become human beings because of their parents' passion or lust, and their parents have to
look after them by law or for their own satisfaction: because of that, there is no need to
take gratitude to parents into account. In any case, whether or not we become human beings
by nature or by our parents' passion, we are indebted to our parents because they care for
us before we are able to look after ourselves.
Thinking of their indebtedness to parents
children should help their parents in housework and look after them in illness, and even
if they cannot give material support to them, at least they should be concerned about
their spiritual welfare or should obey and behave respectfully towards them so that they
can live happily for the rest of their life. If they do so, they will gain the praise of
their parents and their neighbours. That home in which they live will be blessed with
prosperity and happiness, peace and harmony.
In order to avoid misunderstanding that
causes undesirable estrangement in the family, married people love to live independently
and leave parents alone in their home. It seems good for both parents and the married
couple. It does not matter for parents when they are strong enough to manage their life.
But, the older they become, the more they need other people's help. It is pitiful to see
old people who are all alone in a house, with very few friends and no family near them,
who have to go shopping for themselves. Even though they can manage to live by spending
their own savings they cannot get enough loving care from social workers. Therefore, at
least one of their sons or daughters should live with their old parents even though they
moved away from parents when they were young, and should provide the best care for them in
return.
Sons and daughters have a responsibility to
be worthy of their parents' inheritance by obeying their words and gratifying them by
showing that their sons and daughters have been successful in everything. As far as good
parents are concerned; they are always anxious to give a good education to their sons and
daughters so that they can move in the highest society, and they, sacrificing themselves,
bring their children up well even if they are poor. When they see that their sons and
daughters have great success in life, they are very happy. Good parents do not nurture
their children in the hope of gaining profit from them as they invest their money, but
sons and daughters, should not be reluctant to support or to look after parents when they
earn enough money.
There might be a problem for parents who
have a large family. Parents tend to favour the son or daughter who pleases them. In that
case, other sons and daughters might think their parents are partial towards the good one.
Even though they forget their duties to parents, they do not like to see discrimination by
their parents and they feel resentment against their parents. And then they are liable to
shirk their obligations and are jealous of their brother or sister who is of help to their
parents.
Parents hand over their possessions to sons
and daughters at a proper time. Sons and daughters also will not hesitate to take their
inheritance. But, parents should not part with their possessions altogether because they
cannot be certain that their sons and daughters will reciprocate loving care. There are a
lot of people who neglect parents after they get their parents' belongings or they can
manage their life themselves.
The following event happened during the
lifetime of the Buddha. A certain brahman had four sons, and his wealth amounted to eight
hundred thousand pieces of money. When his sons reached marriageable age, he arranged
marriages for them and gave them four hundred thousand pieces of money. After the sons got
married, their mother died, whereupon the sons took counsel together, saying, "If our
father remarries, the family fortune has to be divided among our half- brothers and
sisters and there will be nothing left for us. Come then! let us coax our father to win
his favour." Accordingly, though without genuine love, they waited upon him,
providing him with the choicest food and the finest clothes, massaging his hands and feet,
and performing all of the other duties.
One day they spoke to their father of the
disadvantage of living in a separate house and said, "We will wait upon you
alternately so long as you live; give us the rest of your wealth also." In compliance
with their request their father gave each of them a hundred thousand pieces of money more
and he divided all the rest of his wealth and possessions into four portions and handed it
over to them. Nothing but under and upper clothes was left for himself.
First, he lived with the eldest son. For a
few days, his eldest son ministered to his needs, but his daughter-in-law did not wish him
to remain in her house. Therefore, one day, when he returned to the house after bathing in
a river, his daughter-in-law, who stood at the gate, said to him "Did you give your
eldest son more money than you gave your other sons? You gave each of your sons two
hundred thousand pieces of money exactly. Don't you know the way to the house of your
other sons?" His daughter-in-law's words made him angry and he departed from her
house, and he went to the house of his second son. But, a few days later, he was driven
from the house as he had been driven from the house of the first, and his two youngest
sons' wives also treated him unkindly in the same way. Finally, he found himself without a
single house where he could live.
Thereafter, he had to live by begging for
his food from door to door. In the course of time he became worn out by old age, and his
body withered away as the result of poor nutrition. One day he thought "There is not
one of my sons to whom I can go for refuge. Possibly if I go to Gotama Buddha, I might
receive a friendly greeting and good advice." And then he went to the Buddha and sat
respect fully on one side.
The Buddha greeted him in a pleasant manner
and said to him, "How are you, brahman? You look too weak to carry your body and your
clothes are wretched. What happened to you?" "O Gotama, I have four sons living
on the earth. Taking the advice of their wives, they have driven me out of their houses
after they got all my possessions. Now, I have no place to live peacefully. I hope that
you can tell me how I should cope."
The Buddha said, "Well then brahman,
learn these verses thoroughly, and when the people, including your sons, are gathered
together, recite them before the assembly", and he gave the following verses. The
meaning of the verses is as follows; "I was pleased with their birth. I desired to
see their progress but they, taking their wives' words, expelled me from their houses as
dogs pursue pigs. They call me, " Dear father, dear father" and then they
forsake me in my old age. They behave like ogres. As a horse who is grown old and useless
is neglected by his owner, a father who is forsaken by his sons has to live by begging for
his food from door to door. A walking-stick is more useful than those who do not look
after their parents. It can keep off wild bulls and dogs, and it helps an old man in the
darkness and shallow water. By its help, a weak person can keep his balance when he nearly
slips."
The brahman learnt these verses by heart and
went to an assembly which his sons were attending, and he recited them. When people heard
the brahman reciting them, they inquired whose father he was and then they condemned his
sons and agreed to punish them. At that time, this was the law of mankind; if sons and
daughters failed to support parents, they were put to death. Therefore, the sons of that
brahman fell at their father's feet and begged him to spare their lives and they promised
to look after their father. The father forgave his sons and they took him to their houses
and warned their wives to look after him well or else they would be punished by death.
The old brabman continued his life happily
and thanked the Buddha for his verses. (DhA. v 324)
Giving alms for departed parents
Sons and daughters have a responsibility to
offer alms for their departed parents, and must share merit with them. According to
Buddhism, one's mind-process continues to the next life so long as one does not get rid of
craving. Those, who have right view, believe in the consequences of their own good or bad
deeds, are endowed with right conduct in body, speech, thought, and do not affront the
noble ones, are reborn in a heavenly or human abode after they pass away. They enjoy their
life there in accordance with good deeds they did in their previous life.
Those who are in contrast with the good ones
are reborn as animals or hungry ghosts or demons; these are a kind of lower heavenly
beings, who have to feel pleasure and misery for fifteen days alternately.
A vicious person, who never thinks to do
good deeds is reborn in Hell. When a person goes down to Hell, he is seized by the
guardians of Hell, and they present him to their master, King Yama, saying, "Sir, he
had no respect for his parents, did not honour recluses, did not pay due respect to the
elders of the family. Cross-examine him and decree a punishment for him."
Then, King Yama cross-questions him saying,
"My good man, did you not see the first deva-messenger, who is a newborn baby lying
on his back, falling prostrate in his own excrement?" He replies, "Yes Sir, I
saw him." King Yama speaks thus to him, "My good man, although you were sensible
and grown up, did it not occur to you; I too am liable to rebirth; in order to be free
from rebirth I shall do what is pure in body, speech and thought?" "No Sir, I
was too indolent and foolish to do good deeds" he replies. King Yama speaks thus to
him, "Your evil deeds belong only to you because they were not done by your parents,
relatives, friends or others but only by you. That is why, you must experience the harvest
of your evil deeds."
And then, King Yama asks him, "Even if
you were sensible and grown up, when you saw the second deva-messenger, who is eighty or
ninety or more years old, leaning on a stick and going tremulously on the streets, did it
not occur to you; 'I too am liable to be old; it is not easy for me to do good deeds in my
old age like him. I should do what is lovely in body, speech and thought before I am old?'
"When you saw the third deva-messenger,
who is afflicted with illness, suffering, falling prostrate in his own excrement, rising
and getting to bed with the help of others, did it not occur to you; 'I too am liable to
illness. When I am ill like him, it is impossible for me to do good deeds. Therefore, I
should do good deeds when I am in good health?'
"When you saw the fourth
deva-messenger, who is an evil doer, arrested by the authorities, subjected to various
punishments, did it not occur to you; 'Indeed, the evil doer has to be subjected to the
death penalty and he has no chance to do good deeds now. As for me, there are still a lot
of opportunities to do good deeds. I shall do wholesome deeds now?'
"When you saw the fifth deva-messenger,
who is dead, did it not occur to you; 'I am still alive. I will not be able to do
meritorious deeds after I pass away. I shall do wholesome deeds'?"
However the man is cross-examined, when he
cannot give any evidence of his own good deeds, King Yama by his silence indicates that he
should be subjected to punishments in accordance with his past deeds. If he can remember
and tell some part of his good deeds, he can escape from Hell. (M.iii. 180)
Only if a departed one is reborn as a hungry
ghost because he attaches to somebody or something when he is about to die, can he get the
result of sharing merit. It is difficult for hungry ghosts to get food, clothes and
shelter. They are always starving and hoping to get these things. The Buddha said,
"Hungry ghosts stand and wait outside the walls, at cross-roads and beside gate-posts
returning to their former houses to hear their relatives' sharing merit in order to be
free from the bad circumstances."
When someone passes away, surviving
relatives weep, sorrow and mourn. Those actions are unhelpful to him. They only tire the
mourners. The best way is for the surviving relatives to give donations for the departed
relative saying, 'Let this be for our departed relative; may he be happy when he hears or
knows our sharing merit." But, on account of his past unwholesome deeds, sometimes no
one remembers to offer alms for the departed one or in other cases he is at a distant
place even though abundant food and drink are served for him by his relatives. The hungry
ghost who deserves to be free from the bad circumstances, knows that these donations are
for him, and as soon as he says, "Well done, well done, well done", he is
released from his bad status, and then he gets celestial food and clothes,
etc.(Khuddakapatha, Tirokutha Sutta)
The Buddha said that as water, rained on the
uplands, flows down to the low lands, as swollen streams and rivers swell the ocean, what
is given for them here benefits the hungry ghosts.
I assume that this is why Buddhist people
sharing merit use water and pour it from one cup to another. Ordinary water freed from
contamination is pure, clear, cool and can flow or spread. Likewise, the donors' mind also
is not contaminated by selfishness, attachment, greed, pride, anger, etc. at the moment
when they are offering alms for departed ones. Their intention is only that the departed
relatives get free from misery. Their mind is pure and generous. Because of that, their
merit affects the departed ones.
If the departed ones are not hungry ghosts,
the merit is not in vain. The donor can get five results from offering his donations.
These are as follows; the donor is loved by other people, good or noble people will come
to him, he is well-know as a generous person, he can bravely stand in an assembly, and he
is certainly going to the heavenly planes after death. So, everybody should offer alms to
other people and then he should share merit with departed ones.
The
duties of husband and wife
A husband must not treat his wife
disparagingly but courteously and tenderly; must be faithful to his wife; must give his
wife control and authority over domestic matters; must provide his wife with clothes and
ornaments.
A wife must be able to perform household
duties very well; must be industrious in discharging her duties; must manage well the
wealth that her husband brings to her; must be faithful to her husband; must be hospitable
to relatives from both sides of the family.
In order to get nuptial happiness, both
husband and wife should carry out the above-mentioned duties as far as they can. The most
important rule for both is to be faithful to one another. If one partner perhaps does not
get any pleasure from sex with the spouse or is not content with married sex, he or she
might try to get sexual pleasure with another. One should notice that infidelity hurts
one's spouse deeply, and causes matrimonial and social troubles. If the worst comes to the
worst, divorce will be inevitable. There is a saying which Burmese women use; it is
possible for a wife to share a cake but not her husband with other women.
Extra-marital relations trouble at least
three people. An adulterer and adulteress are preoccupied with thoughts of meeting their
partner secretly and trying to conceal their misconduct, and they are prey to anxiety and
fear. Their dishonest activities fester in their own spouse's mind. Their moral
reputations deteriorate in society. They make more enemies. That is why, by trying to
comprehend one's physical and mental needs, and complying with one another's wish or
controlling one's excessive sexual desire by moral or social sense, everybody should be
content with married sex and should abstain from adultery. Otherwise, one might try to
commit adultery by using one's authority, money, good-looks and so on.
One day, in the lifetime of the Buddha, King
Pasenadi Kosala, while going out in the city, happened to see a beautiful young woman
standing at the window of her house and he instantly fell in love with her. So the king
tried to find ways and means of getting her. Finding that she was a married woman, he sent
for her husband and made him serve at the palace. He tried to find the fault of the man in
the hope of giving him a death sentence and marrying his widow. However, the man was so
conscientious in his duty that the king could not find any fault in his work. Later he was
sent on an impossible errand by the king. He was to go to a certain place on foot, twelve
miles away from Savatthi, bring back some lotus flowers and talcum powder, and arrive back
at Savatthi the same evening in time for the king's bath.
Hurriedly taking a food packet from his
wife, he set out on his errand. On that evening, King Pasenadi, fearing that the young
husband might arrive back in time, had the city-gates closed early. The young man, finding
the city-gates closed, placed the talcum on the city-wall and stuck the flowers in the
earth. Then he declared loudly, "O citizens! Be my witnesses! I have today
accomplished my errand in time as instructed by the king. King Pasenadi, without any
justification, plans to kill me." After that, he left for the Jetavana monastery to
take shelter and find solace in the peaceful atmosphere of the monastery.
Meanwhile, King Pasenadi, obsessed with
sexual desire, could not sleep, and kept thinking how he would get rid of the husband in
the morning and take his wife. At about midnight, he heard some eerie sounds; actually,
these were the doleful voices of four persons suffering in Lohakumbhi Niraya. Hearing
those weird voices, the king was terrified. Early in the morning, he went to the Buddha,
as advised by Queen Mallika When the Buddha was told about the four voices the king heard
in the night, he explained to the king that those were the voices of four beings, who were
the sons of rich men during the time of Kassapa Buddha, and that now they were suffering
in Lohakumbhi Niraya because they had committed sexual misconduct with other people's
wives. Then, the king came to realise the depravity of the deed and the severity of the
punishment. He decided then and there that he would no longer covet another man's wife.
"After all, it was on account of my intense desire for another man's wife that I was
tormented and could not sleep the whole of last night," he reflected. (DhA v 60.
Based on trnsln by Daw Mya Tin)
A man and a woman should evaluate one
another closely before they decide to get married with the intention of living together
till the end of their life. After they get married they should respect their own spouse's
wish and opinions, and they should comply with one another's preference without insisting
on their own benefit and liking. Sometimes differences of opinion may arise between
married couples. But they should never come to bitter quarrels during their married life.
If there are immensely different in views and preferences or if they have no physical
satisfaction in their married life, a divorce might be considered by both. Especially,
when they have children they should not lightly think of getting a divorce. A divorce
affects not only the couple but also their children. They should be interested in the well
being of their own children. There are millions of things children need from their
parents. Marriage is all about sharing - doing things and looking after children together.
A single-parent might be incapable of organizing adequate care for children because he or
she might lack the ability to combine work and parental responsibilities. Children suffer
if they are neglected or do not get sufficient care from their parents.
In any case, to get nuptial happiness and to
be united for the whole of life, a couple must be well matched in faith, morality,
generosity and wisdom. Moreover, if husband and wife both have a grateful attitude towards
helpers or one another, self-control, good livelihood, and use loving words to one
another, they will certainly prosper in their married life, and those who oppose them will
be given no cause to rejoice and they can live happily rejoicing with bliss that what they
desire for each other is goodness and virtue.
The reader can learn how important morality
is for both husband and wife from the following story. When the Buddha was staying at
Jetavana, a brabmin who had four daughters came to the Buddha and told his problem. The
problem was that four suitors courted his daughters. One was fine and handsome, the second
was old and well advanced in years, the third was wealthy and the fourth was a moral man.
He could not decide to whom he should give his daughters in marriage. So, he thought he
would tell the matter to the Buddha who would be sure to know, and then he would give the
girls to the most suitable man.
He went to the monastery and paid respects
to the Buddha and told him everything from the beginning to the end. To this the Buddha
replied, "In one of your past lives, as now, you asked the same question; but you
cannot remember the case because rebirth has confused your memory." And then the
Buddha told the Brahmin how he answered the problem when he asked in a certain pervious
life, as follows; "Beauty and noble birth is good. The one who has years is worthy of
respect. But, even though one has other qualities, a man is to be despised if he fails in
moral standards." When the brahmin heard this, he decided to give all his daughters
to the moral person.(Ja. No. 200)
From now on I would like to present the
Buddha's original teachings in connection with conjugal matters rather than to write my
own idea because I have no experience of matrimony.
Seven
kinds of wives
When the Buddha was staying at the Jeta
Grove, in Anathapindika's park, one day he went to Anathapindika's house for alms. At that
time the people of the house were making a great noise. When the Buddha asked the reason
of the noise, Anathapindika said, "It is my daughter-in-law. She is rich and has been
brought from a wealthy family. She pays no heed to her father-in-law, mother-in-law, and
her husband; neither does she venerate, honour, reverence nor respect the Buddha."
The Buddha called Sujata, and asked if she
would like to listen to his teaching, and when she agreed, the Buddha told her about the
seven kinds of wives, and asked which of them she was. They are the one like a slayer, the
one like a robber, the one like a master, the one like a mother, the one like a sister,
the one like a companion, the one like a handmaid. Sujata said, "I do not fully
understand what you have put so briefly. You should explain to me so that I can under
stand the meaning of the words."
The Buddha explained to her as follows:
"A wife, who has an inflammable temper, is unfaithful to her husband and treats him
contemptuously and aggressively, should be regarded as a slayer; a wife, who wastes or
uses or gives her husband's wealth without getting his consent, should be regarded as a
thief; a wife, who has no desire to carry out her duties but has a domineering attitude
towards her husband, and treats him unkindly, is lazy and gluttonous, should be regarded
as a master; a wife, who looks after her husband as a mother, and uses his wealth
economically, should be regarded as a mother; a wife, who regards her husband as a
brother, and respects him, and complies with her husband's wishes, should be regarded as a
sister; a wife, who is happy whenever she sees her husband as a person feels when he sees
his friend from whom he has been long parted, is moral and high-born, treats her husband
respectfully, should be regarded as a friend; a wife, who feels no resentment against her
husband even though she is threatened with lashing or killing, is obedient to her
husband's words, is free from anger, and pure and calm in her heart, should be regarded as
a handmaid.
In accordance with their behaviour towards
their husbands, the first three kinds of wife are to be reborn in Hell, and the others are
to be reborn in Heaven. Which of them are you?" Sujata replied, "Lord Buddha,
may you think of me as a wife who should be regarded as a handmaid from this day
forth." The Buddha and her family were pleased with her reply. (A. iv. 91)
How
to live with a husband
Once when the Buddha was staying in Jatiya
Wood, a man named Uggaha paid him a visit, and invited him to his house to offer food. On
the following morning the Buddha went to his house, and Uggaha served and satisfied the
Buddha with various kinds of food. After the Buddha finished eating Uggaha said,
"Lord Buddha, these girls of mine are going to their husbands' houses to stay with
their families. Teach them for their good and happiness how to behave towards their
husbands."
The Buddha told the girls to train
themselves in the following ways; a wife should get up earlier than her husband, and go to
bed later than him, and should be ready to do what her husband wants, and treats him
courteously and kindly; a wife should pay respect to all, whether parents or other
respectable persons whom her husband reveres, and should be hospitable to them; a wife
should be able to do housework or home-crafts deftly, and should not be lazy; a wife
should know whether her husband's men work very well or not, and should know their
physical and mental needs and should provide bonuses for them; a wife should use
economically the money which her husband gives, and should not waste it or keep it
dishonestly. (A. iii. 36)
It is assumed that it is impossible for them
to practise some of the responsibilities because they descended from a rich family and
married men who had equal standard with them.
Nowadays wives as well as husbands have to
work and earn money. They do not have to depend on their husband for money. Because of
that they might think these principles are out of date and they automatically lower
themselves by following the rule. If so, it proves that they cannot get rid of pride and
cannot give real loving- kindness to their husbands. There is no reason for them not to
fulfil the responsibilities if they really love their husbands. Wives should put the rules
to the test. There will be no disadvantages by practising the rule. When wives put the
rules into practice, it is sure they will gain their husbands' affection and increasing
loving care.
- SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES
Man is a social being. As soon as he is born
there is at least one near to him. Even though he starts his life with crying, he is
welcomed with a smile except by those who do not have normal human feelings. The condition
of his health, education, wealth and so on depend on the environment in which he has to be
born. His social circle becomes wider and wider in accordance with his age. When he is
young his parents have to supervise him so that he does not associate with improper
companions otherwise he might get into trouble. When he comes of age he may look for his
own companions but he should pick out friends carefully because all companions cannot be
regarded as friends and he cannot hope for help from all of them when he is in need. There
is a proverb; a friend in need is a friend indeed. No one should choose his friends
because of their status or wealth. All friends are valuable. The following story is very
good to learn how pleasant it is to hear even the word of friend.
Once our Buddha was born as the son of a
wealthy merchant in one of his previous lives. One day, as he was sitting at a cross-roads
with three friends, he saw a hunter driving his cart full of meat towards them. One of
them went to the hunter and asked, "Hey, hunter, give me a piece of meat." The
hunter replied, "A man, who asks another for something, should speak politely. You
deserve to get a piece of meat appropriate to your manner of asking" and he gave the
young man a piece of worthless meat. And then the second one went to the hunter and asked,
"Oh, elder brother, may I get a piece of meat?" The hunter answered, "The
name of a brother is a strong link to join each other. You shall receive such a piece of
meat as the words you have spoken," and then he gave the latter a joint of beef. The
third one went to the hunter and asked, "Dear father, do you mind if I ask for a
piece of meat?" The hunter replied, "You should receive a piece of meat suitable
to your words. Hearing the cry of dear father fills one's heart with pity" and then
he gave the young man a savoury piece of meat and heart. And then the youngest one, our
Bodhisatta, went to the hunter and asked, "My friend, will you be kind enough to give
me a piece of meat?" The hunter replied, "You shall receive a piece of meat
suitable to the words you have used. The one who has no friends looks like a traveller who
ventures into a wilderness. I am thrilled with delight to hear the cry of my friend"
and then he pledged the young man to give all his cartful of meat and drove the cart to
the latter's house. The young man treated the hunter with great hospitality and respect,
and asked the hunter to abandon hunting and to work under him. They lived together as
inseparable friends. (Ja. No. 315)
To differentiate true friends from those who
are friends only in appearance, the Buddha described to Singala an unreliable friend's
character as follows.
A person, who always thinks of getting
something from you, comes to your house with empty hands and praises some of your
belongings so that you cannot help giving him the things and then he happily returns
carrying your gifts. He wants a lot from you for very little. He comes to you only when he
is in difficulties. He associates with you for his own benefit. When you come to his
house, he might say, "Oh, it was a pity you could not come to me yesterday. There was
a lot of food. I was hoping you would come. If you had come to me yesterday you would have
been served with delicious food but there is nothing to serve you today. I expect I will
be able to serve you with special food when you come next time." Wearing expensive
clothes or using valuable things he might say, "These things suit you. I want to give
you them but they are just enough for me. I am so sorry for that." When you ask him
for help he expresses his inability or when you borrow something from him he is flat ready
to lend you telling the defects of his belongings. But he is ready to accompany you to
drink alcohol, to visit the streets during unfitting times, to gamble, to go to watch
entertainments, and he encourages you to do such bad deeds. He approves of both your good
and bad deeds, and he praises you in your presence but criticizes you in your absence.
The Buddha told Singala about four kinds of
people whom he should regard as comrades. One of them is a helpful friend. He comes
running to his friend's side as soon as he knows the friend is in trouble and when his
friend asks him for some money for such things as legal action he never hesitates to give
more money than is needed. He looks after his friend, and also his friend's possessions
and family.
As to this, the commentary said, "Even
when his friend is under the influence of drink, a helpful person does not go away from
the friend so that he can protect his friend from any possible danger and whenever his
friend goes out he looks after the friend's family and possessions."
We may say the statement is not acceptable
because we have already learnt that associating with a drinker causes one to lose one's
wealth. That is right. But, we should keep it in mind that nobody is perfect. Suppose one
of our friends is not inherently bad but he starts to get into bad habits and makes some
mistakes. As we see his immoral practice once or twice, if we abandon him once and for
all, we also are out of the list of good friends. If we continue our friendship with him
without admonishing him for his mistake, we are in the list of unreliable friends.
Therefore, we should first explain to him the bad consequences of his immoral practice and
urge him to give up his bad habit. If he neglects our suggestion or is unable to get out
of his bad habit, we should not cling to him.
A person who shares his friend's sorrow and
happiness must also be regarded as a true friend. He tells his secrets to his friend but
never betrays his friend's secret. When he sees his friend in danger, he determines to
help the friend even at the risk of his life.
A comrade always points out what is good for
his friend. He restrains his friend from doing evil. He tells his friend what he has not
yet heard and he shows him the way leading to heaven and inner peace.
There is a story relevant to this subject.
In the lifetime of Kassapa Buddha, there was a young brahman, named Ghatikara,a potter,
and the chief supporter of the Buddha. He had a friend named Jotipala. One day, the potter
told his friend to go to the Buddha. Jotipala said "What use is it to see this little
recluse?" Whenever the potter asked his friend to accompany him to go to the Buddha,
his friend refused his proposal. One day, they went to a river to bathe. When they arrived
at the river the potter said, "The monastery is very near here. Let's go to the
Buddha." His friend refused his proposal as usual. Finally, the potter, having laid
hold of his friend by the hair, coerced his friend to go to the Buddha. Then it occurred
to Jotipala, "Indeed, it is wonderful that the potter, being of lowly birth, dare
hold me by the hair. This surely cannot be insignificant," and then he agreed to go
to the Buddha. When they heard the Dhamma, Jotipala told his friend to go forth from home
into homelessness. The potter said, "I have to look after my blind and ageing
parents. I will be glad to see you in the Order of the Buddha." And then Jotipla
received ordination and practised the Dhamma very well." (M. ii. 45ff)
A sympathetic person is unhappy to see his
friend's failure but rejoices to see his friend's success in life, and he does not want to
listen to the friend's ill fame but rejoices to hear his friend's good reputation.
After studying the lessons one should be
guided by one's sense of who is suitable to be a friend, and should associate with a good
person because one can have great success in life with the help of a good companion.
Once when Ananda told the Buddha that half
of the achievement in the holy life consists in good companions, the latter replied,
"Ananda, you should not say that because people can completely achieve their
objective in the holy life with the help of good companions." It is not sufficient
for people to choose good persons just to associate with. They should make friends. To
strengthen friendship among people the Buddha gave a lesson how to behave towards one
another as friends. (S. i. 87)
A person must be generous in giving what
his friend needs; must talk with his friend courteously; must look after his friend's well
being; must treat him like himself, and must keep his word and promises.
His friends will reciprocate as follows;
they will look after him and his property when he is unable to take care of them himself;
will be a refuge when he is in danger; will not forsake him in his trouble, and will help
his family.
Moreover, people should study the following
teachings of the Buddha relating to the subject of friend.
"If, as he fares, he meets no companion
who is better or equal, let him firmly pursue his solitary career; there is no fellowship
with the foolish." (Dhp. v. 61)
"Should one see a wise man, who like a revealer of
treasures, points out faults and reproves, let one associate with such a wise person; it
will be better, not worse, for him who associates with such a one. (Dhp. v 76)
"Truly, he who moves in company with fools grieves for
a long time; association with fools is ever painful as with a foe. Happy is association
with the wise, even like meeting with kinsfolk." (Dhp. v 207)
"The intelligent man who leads others not falsely but
lawfully and impartially, and is guarded by the truth, is called, 'One who stands in the
truth'." (Dhp. v 257)
"Trust not in those whose words are lies, nor those who
only know Self-interest, nor who have sinned, nor who too pious show.
Some men have nature like the kine, thirsty and full of
greed;
Have words in truth a friend to soothe, but never come to
deed.
"These hold out dry and empty hands; the voice conceals
their heart;
From those who know not gratitude (vain creatures!) keep
apart.
Put not the trust in woman or in man of fickle mind,
Nor such as having made a pact to break it are inclined.
The man who walks in evil ways, to all things threatening
death,
Unsteadfast, put no trust in him, like keenest sword in
sheath.
Some speak smooth words that come not from the heart, and
try to please.
With many a show of friendship feigned; put not the trust in
these.
When such an evil-minded man beholds of food or gain,
He works all ill, and go he will, but trust will be the
bane." (Ja. No 448)
The marks of an enemy: "He smiles not when you see him,
no welcome will he show,
He will not turn his eyes that way, and answers you with
'No'.
Your enemies he bonours, he cares not for your friends,
Those who would praise your worth, he stays, your slanderers
commends.
No secret tells he to you, your secret he betrays,
Speaks never well of what you do, your wisdom will not
praise.
He joys not at your welfare, but your evil fame;
Should he receive some dainty, he thinks not of your name,
Nor pities you, nor cries aloud - O, had my friend the same.
These are the sixteen tokens by which a foe you see,
These if a wise man sees or hears he knows his enemy."
The marks of a friend; "The absent be remembers;
returned, he will rejoice;
Then in the height of his delight he greets you with his
voice.
Your foes he never honours, he loves to serve your friends,
Those who would slander you, he stays; who praise you, he
commends.
He tells his secrets to you, your secret ne'er betrays,
Speaks ever well of all you do, your wisdom loves to praise.
He joys to hear your welfare, not in your evil fame
Should he receive some dainty, he straight thinks on your
name,
And pities you, and cries aloud - 0, had my friend the same!
These are the sixteen tokens in friends established well;
Which if a wise man sees or hears he can a true friend
tell."(Ja. No. 473)
The
duties of employer and employee
An employer must assign his employees to
the job according to their ability and physical and mental strength; must give them due
payment, and should add bonuses to their wages; must look after them in sickness; must
share special foods with them, and must let them off work when appropriate.
An employee must reciprocate by getting up
before his employer; going to bed after him; taking only what is given; performing his
duties well, and upholding his employer's good name and fame.
Some of the above-mentioned rules are
concerned with the relations between an employer and his workers in domestic business.
But, nowadays, if we study the economic system followed by most developing countries, we
can see that their governments or business firms practise nearly the same systems as the
Buddha taught, and their people can live in prosperity.
The duties of both parties show that there
must be mutual good relationship between an employer and his employees to get progress in
business. Moreover, the prosperity of a business depends upon good management. Even though
a person has enough capital, if there is mismanagement or if he hasn't enough knowledge
how to invest his money correctly or effectively in a profitable business, economic
progress is unlikely. If he runs his business with unskilled workers, shoddy work and
bungling will soon destroy his business. When due wages and salary are not paid, skilled
workers will not be interested in working for him.
Once the Buddha uttered the following stanza
at the end of his Dhamma talk.
With humblest start and trifling capital, A shrewd and able
man will rise to wealth, Even as his breath can nurse a tiny flame."
When the Buddha stayed in Jivaka's mango
grove near Rajagaha, a bhikkhu who could not learn a single verse by heart attained
Arahantship by following the Buddha's instruction for concentrating on a piece of white
cloth, rubbing with his hand and repeating the words, 'Removal of impurity; removal of
impurity'.
That dull bhikkhu's swift attainment
of Arahantship amazed the bhikkhus and they asked the Buddha why it happened. The
Buddha said, "In one of his previous lives, the bhikkhu laughed in order to
scorn a dull bhikkhu who was learning a passage by heart. His scorn discouraged the
bhikkhu from learning or reciting the passage. And now, in consequence, he himself
proved a dullard. Each new line he learned drove the last out of his memory and four
months slipped away while he was studying this single stanza. In another one of his lives,
he was a king and was making a royal procession round his city, he wiped the sweat from
his face with a spotless white cloth and it was stained. He thought, "It is this body
of mine which has spoiled the original purity and whiteness of the cloth. Impermanent,
indeed, are all component things." Thus he grasped the idea of impermanence. And now,
in consequence, the characteristic of impermanence came into his mind in a flash, while he
was meditating and this insight knowledge effected his freedom from all mental
defilements."
The Buddha continued his sermon as follows:
"The bhikkhu has just now risen to great benefit in his spiritual life through
me; in one of his lives it was to great wealth that he attained, also through me."
Once when Brahmadatta was ruling in Benares,
I was born into the treasurer's family. I had a keen eye for signs and omens. One day, on
my way to attend the king, I came upon a dead mouse lying on the road and, taking note of
the position of the planets at that moment, I said, "If any decent young fellow with
his wits about him starts a business using this dead mouse as capital, he can become a
rich man." When a poor young man of good family heard my words, he picked up the
mouse and sold it as cat food for a farthing. He bought molasses with the farthing. He
then offered a tiny drop of the molasses with drinking water to flower-gatherers returning
from the forest. They thanked him for relief of their fatigue and each of them gave him a
handful of flowers. He sold the flowers. With the money he bought more molasses and went
to the flower meadows and provided the flower-gatherers with molasses and water. That day
he got a lot of flowers and sold them. Thus he obtained eight pence in a short time.
"The next day, when he went past the
royal garden he saw a quantity of rotten branches and leaves fallen down by a stream and
he found that the gardener did not know how to clear them away. He asked some of his young
friends to help the gardener and served them with the molasses and water. The gardener
offered him the wood. He sold it to a potter for sixteen pence and five bowls and vessels.
Having now twenty-four pence in all, a plan occurred to him. He went to the vicinity of
the city-gate with a jar full of water and supplied mowers with water to drink. They said,
"You've done us a good turn, friend. What can we do for you?" "Oh, I'll
tell you when I want your aid"; he said. He made friends with the harbourmaster and
the mayor asking them to give information about the arrival of horse-traders. On hearing
that the horse-traders were arriving with five hundred horses to sell the next day he went
to the mowers and asked each of them to give him a bundle of grass and to agree not to
sell their own grass until he had sold his. He got five hundred bundles of grass and since
the traders were unable to buy grass for their horses elsewhere, they had to purchase his
grass for a thousand pounds.
"Only a few days later the authority of
the port gave the news of the imminent arrival of a large cargo ship in port, another plan
occurred to him. He hired a chariot and went to the port in great style appearing to be a
wealthy merchant. He bought all the goods on credit, having given a valuable ring as a
gift to secure the deal. On hearing that the ship had arrived in port about a hundred
merchants came to the port to buy the goods only to be told that they could not have any
because a great merchant had already made a deal for them all. They had to buy the goods
from him so he got 200,000 pounds.
"To show his gratitude, he gave half
his money to me. When I asked how he got this fortune he told me how, starting with only a
dead mouse, he had become a wealthy man by following my advice. Satisfied with his skill
in business I give my daughter in marriage to him so that his fortune might not fall into
anybody else's hands."
To make one's business prosper, one must be
endowed with the wherewithal; diligence, a good knowledge of one's own business, savings,
helpful friends and wisdom in using money. If a person is energetic, mindful, pure in his
thought, word and deeds, and if he does everything with care and consideration and earns
his living according to the law, his fame and fortune steadily increase.
A person might think he can get rich by
following a short cut. The Buddha encouraged people to gather wealth by functioning
steadily and firmly in business as bees gather honey or termites build their hill, and
then he gave advice on how to use money as follows:
'A person should divide his wealth in four
and he should enjoy one part at will for daily use and charity; he should put two parts to
business; and should put the fourth aside for emergencies and his old age."
Part I | Part II | Part III
| Part IV | Part V